Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize