mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
