This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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