when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I wish I only lived at night.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
