woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
