there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Oh god it's open bar.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
