I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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