I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Vodka?
Forever.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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