Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
