You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
