Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
