We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
