I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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