if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
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