He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Randomize
