Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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