help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
