my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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