I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
as a side note pls kill me
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
