last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize