I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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