I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
