I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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