I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
