Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
