The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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