After last night, I could never be a politician.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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