it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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