You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize