i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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