my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
