I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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