You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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