i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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