My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
