I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
