my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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