what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
