I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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