So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
