i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
