It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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