The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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