if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
