theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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