how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
she peed on how many people?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
