She is in my trunk
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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