I want to walk on stilts...naked
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
