have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
