I must be too annoying 4 u.
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
