I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
