why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
